Back Issues
5¢ Cheap

'TIME-TRAVELER' BUSTED FOR INSIDER TRADING
Wednesday March 19, 2003

By CHAD KULTGEN

NEW YORK -- Federal investigators have arrested an enigmatic Wall Street wiz on insider-trading charges -- and incredibly, he claims to be a time-traveler from the year 2256!

Sources at the Security and Exchange Commission confirm that 44-year-old Andrew Carlssin offered the bizarre explanation for his uncanny success in the stock market after being led off in handcuffs on January 28.

"We don't believe this guy's story -- he's either a lunatic or a pathological liar," says an SEC insider.

"But the fact is, with an initial investment of only $800, in two weeks' time he had a portfolio valued at over $350 million. Every trade he made capitalized on unexpected business developments, which simply can't be pure luck.

"The only way he could pull it off is with illegal inside information. He's going to sit in a jail cell on Rikers Island until he agrees to give up his sources."

The past year of nose-diving stock prices has left most investors crying in their beer. So when Carlssin made a flurry of 126 high-risk trades and came out the winner every time, it raised the eyebrows of Wall Street watchdogs.

"If a company's stock rose due to a merger or technological breakthrough that was supposed to be secret, Mr. Carlssin somehow knew about it in advance," says the SEC source close to the hush-hush, ongoing investigation.

When investigators hauled Carlssin in for questioning, they got more than they bargained for: A mind-boggling four-hour confession.

Carlssin declared that he had traveled back in time from over 200 years in the future, when it is common knowledge that our era experienced one of the worst stock plunges in history. Yet anyone armed with knowledge of the handful of stocks destined to go through the roof could make a fortune.

"It was just too tempting to resist," Carlssin allegedly said in his videotaped confession. "I had planned to make it look natural, you know, lose a little here and there so it doesn't look too perfect. But I just got caught in the moment."

In a bid for leniency, Carlssin has reportedly offered to divulge "historical facts" such as the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden and a cure for AIDS.

All he wants is to be allowed to return to the future in his "time craft."

However, he refuses to reveal the location of the machine or discuss how it works, supposedly out of fear the technology could "fall into the wrong hands."

Officials are quite confident the "time-traveler's" claims are bogus. Yet the SEC source admits, "No one can find any record of any Andrew Carlssin existing anywhere before December 2002."

Weekly World News will continue to follow this story as it unfolds. Keep watching for further developments.

Lardal, Norway - Experts believe that a reported UFO sighting in southern Norway was probably an electrocuted cat.

According to Ananova.com, people in the town of Lardal, southern Norway, reported seeing a fireball explode in the night sky. The fireball then reportedly fell slowly down to earth.

But investigators reckon that they've solved the otherworldly mystery, finding the charred body of a cat at the base of an electrical mast. They believe that the unfortunate feline climbed up the pole and touched a live wire.

Police spokesperson Lars Helge Sogn told Norwegian newspaper Aftenposten that what people saw was not an alien spaceship: it was, in fact, the cat exploding and falling off the mast. – Ananova.com

According to Sony, the new format is a "breakthrough in engineering" and adds "Previously unavailable portability that will enable busy commuters to listen to songs or read data almost anywhere."

"Although not compatible with existing players the new format needs only some cosmetic alterations to make it work properly" said one source.

"Right now the demographics are not all that we had hoped for" said one Sony Executive "but we are confident that the youth sector will quickly pick up the slack"

Model displays new CD player

Too much time on his hands Department:Home Sweet Home

Discoveries from the Weird Wide Web

Every dog has his day in court

ATHENS, Ohio (AP) - A man was exercising his free speech rights when he barked back at a police dog, a state appeals court has ruled.

The 4th Ohio District Court of Appeals upheld the dismissal of charges against a man who answered the barks of Pepsie the dog in this southeast Ohio city in September 2001.

Jeremy Gilchrist, then 21, encountered the dog, who was in a police cruiser, as he walked with friends.

His attorney said he was trying to be funny when he barked back.

"The mere fact that the police dog had commenced the barking did not entitle it to a solo performance," attorney Patrick McGee wrote.

State law makes it illegal to taunt, torment or hit a police dog or horse. Officer Krishea Osborne testified that Gilchrist's barking made the dog "work himself up into a frenzy."

However, Athens County Municipal Judge Douglas Bennett threw out the charges last June, saying the law violated the right to free speech. The appeals court agreed Wednesday.

Bennett also said Gilchrist wasn't a threat to the animal or public safety because he was 30 feet away from the cruiser.

City Prosecutor Lisa Eliason argued in the appeal that taunting can occur from any distance. No decision has been made whether to file another appeal, she said Friday.

Posted on March 27, 2003
Approximately 30 domesticated elephants in Delhi, India are being fitted with light reflectors at night in order to prevent collisions with motor vehicles from taking place.

The reflectors, which hang down from the elephants’ backs, are being provided for free by the Wildlife Trust of India (WTI) and Blackpool Zoo in England in response to reports of a number of recent collisions that took place on heavily trafficked roads.

" Elephants are easily hit during late hours and the accidents can be equally damaging for humans, as the animals’ swipes can be fatal," said WTI spokesperson Ashok Kumar.

Capturing elephants and using them for commercial purposes is legal in India. About 6,000 of the approximately 33,000 elephants in the country have been domesticated for use in wedding processions, temple rituals, providing entertainment and/or advertising.

Wildlife experts estimate that about 10 elephants are injured by collisions with motor vehicles in India each year.

If the reflectors prove to be effective, the Blackpool Zoo and WTI will distribute more of them.
iafrica.com/news/worldnews/213328.htm

(Editor note: Now if we could only put reflectors on all those Moose up here)