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A l l  t h e  news thatfits
June 7, 2002

GUADALAJARA, MEXICO: The world's scientific community is reeling in the wake of Monday's announcement that scientists at the University of Guadalajara have successfully copied a picture of a sheep. "This is extremely exciting," said team leader, Professor Manuel Cortines. "We have created a precise duplicate copy of a sheep picture, identical in every way to the original. Except that it is not colour."

The University of Guadalajara team produced the copy on Friday morning by placing a photographic image of the sheep onto a special copying device, which distributes countless dry ink particles onto a piece of paper.

"At the touch of a button," Cortines said, "we can have many sheep."

For the Guadalajara scientists, Friday's breakthrough represented the culmination of years of experimentation with copying. In 1991, Mexican scientists, working closely with local printers, achieved a successful tracing, a drawing of an image on a clean sheet of paper over an existing image. In 1994, the group almost successfully copied a sheep by applying ink to its body and pressing the animal against a giant sheet of paper, but the researchers were unable to hold the sheep still long enough to make a clear copy. "The sheep would squirm and kick, often knocking over the ink wells, soiling the paper before a clean pressing could be made," Cortines said. He added that, under duress, sheep can exert surprising strength.

Previously confined to the realm of the imaginations of Mexican science-fiction writers, copying is now the subject of much debate across the nation, as Mexico's leading thinkers ponder its potential uses. "Copying, if properly harnessed, can do much good," said University of Juarez professor Felip Padilla. "For instance, if you were to have a party, and you wanted to invite 50 people, you could hand-write one invitation, and then make as many copies of it as you like."

It may also be possible, some medical practitioners believe, to use copies to save lives on the operating table. A copy could be made of a kidney dialysis patient's good kidney, and then the copy could be inserted into the patient's body cavity, replacing the bad kidney.

While many are excited about the new technology's potential for good, others fear that copying could be badly misused. "There is a great danger that copying could be used for evil," said Mexican author Roberto Palacios. "What if someone harnessed this new technology to create hundreds of copies of a single resume? There would be no limit to the number of potential employers who could review the qualifications of such a person. Such an applicant would have an enormous, unfair advantage over other prospective applicants."

Will it someday be possible to copy a human? The question causes great concern among leading Mexican bioethicists. "What if someone were to copy Hitler? There are many pictures of him in books and magazines. If such pictures were to fall into the wrong hands, I fear to think what might happen," said Emilio Vargas, head of Mexico City's Insitutia Por Los Thinking. "There is even talk of an enlargement button, which could double or even triple the size of anything," Vargas continued. "I pray each night that such a frightening button never comes to pass."

Despite the concern, the Guadalajara scientists stress that the copying of pictures of humans is still far off. "There are many problems to work out with this new technology before we can even consider copying a human," Cortines said. "Just yesterday, an attempt to copy a second sheep was derailed because of a paper jam. We also have yet to develop a replacement cartridge for the toner. When the current one runs out, our work may be set back years." The Mexican government has pledged $45 to the University of Guadalajara copying project, which will be used to pay the researchers' salaries and refill the paper tray.

Based on an unoriginal Usenet posting to uk.media.radio.archers by Brennig Jones, April 1997

If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the worlds great literary works in Braille.

83-Year-Old Sneaks Into 65-To-80 Singles Dance
APPLETON, WI—Claude Winters, 83, falsified his age Saturday to gain admission to a dance for singles aged 65 to 80 at the Appleton VFW. "The girls at the over-80 dances are so old-fashioned," said Winters, eyeing a shapely 68-year-old widow across the dance floor. "When I go produce shopping, I want my vegetables, you know, fresh." Winters stressed he is not "some cradle-robbing pervert looking for pre-menopausal women."
This Just In
Slave Lake, AB

Astounding catch of the day. While out fishing yesterday, local sportsman and resident trouble maker Kyle Paulson brought home an unusual Walleye. Said Kyle, "I'm sure it has nothing to do with the Swan Hills waste treatment plant.

Mr. Paulson , looking much older than his 35yrs, said that " I have no plans to cook the fish for my birthday dinner because I think it would be a good thing to have around for a special project I am working on." When pressed on the matter, Mr. Paulson confided to this reporter that his long term goal of developing a glow in the dark pet was one step closer to completion.

Alberta Environment officials refused to comment except to say that they didn't think that the fish had anything to do with the Swan Hills Special Waste Treatment Plant and that another $40 million would correct any potential problems.

somethingfishy

Mr. Kyle Paulson of Slave Lake (looking much older than his 35 yrs) shows off the rare SwanHills Walleye.

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